Codependency part two

The receiving end of enabling

For a person on the receiving end of enabling in a codependent dynamic, there’s an underlying desire for a partner to manage their emotions and behaviors. This is their version of the fantasy. It likely appears that this person takes up more emotional real estate in the relationship, whereas an enabler might make efforts to diminish their feelings. From this perspective, reaching for a partner is like reaching for the kind of support a reliable adult might have offered when they were little.

Growing up, this person might have had a parent who was overly-attentive or controlling. As a result, they might have had a hard time trusting themselves and knowing that it's safe to pay attention to inner signals that help set limits and regulate emotional ebbs and flows. As a kid, learning how to navigate needs might've been clouded by too much or too little intervention, activating a longing for a partner to heal this pattern in adulthood.

Why it feels like a cycle

In therapy, we call this a “reenactment” where this person is attempting to repair an old feeling. As with enabling, it’s an effort meant to create harmony, but it doesn’t really work. Just as the enabler feels comfortable being the “buttoned up one”, there’s something familiar about being the “out of control one”, reaching for an external source to provide steadiness, which reinforces the enabler’s desire to rescue and repair.

Therapy can disrupt impulsive habits

In sessions, I help people develop an awareness of their feelings and when they disconnect from them. If anxiety starts speeding up a session, I reflect this observation, and we find out what’s really fueling a desire to escape. Clients feel more in control when I slow things down and help them recognize where they’re directing their focus.

No matter how perplexing a behavior is, there’s valuable information in the emotions that drive it. Accepting meaningful responsibility for feelings in therapy allows clients to restore a connection with themselves and to develop healthy separation in other relationships built on mutual stability.